My Big Why…

Warning: 

It’s not so pretty, and it may be TMI for some people. Oh, and if you’re related to me or were married to me prior, you may want to stop reading here. 

I’m not going to sugarcoat the story, and I won’t embellish it either.  I’ll just tell my truth, as I have come to understand it.

Since I began this journey to create a product that helps heal, people ask Why?

Why did I start TheraBalm? 

Why this particular product?

What do I get out of it?

Self-reflection

I didn’t really have those answers until recently.  I was just doing the next thing my gut told me to do.  

Some force has been guiding me on this journey and I have been doing my best not to get in the way of that guidance.

See, I like to sabotage when stuff gets real.  I tend to undermine things when they have potential. 

Mainly because deep down inside, I don’t believe I deserve the reward associated with that thing. 

I don’t think I’m good enough, smart enough, motivated enough, disciplined enough, and on and on. 

That’s what the voice inside my head tells me anyway.

I’ve had many months to think about this, why do I get in my own way. 

I can understand it better now that I have had some time to self-reflect.

I have a strong desire to be helpful.  

It’s more like an urge or a need.  

One that consumes me.  

It has caused me to make some pretty bad decisions.  

Decisions that allowed me to be taken advantage of and even abused in some aspects.

In my case, codependency is what drives this behavior.  This need to help others regardless of them asking, needing, or appreciating the help.

What is Codependency?

“Codependency is a circular relationship in which one person needs the other person, who in turn, needs to be needed. The codependent person, known as ‘the giver,’ feels worthless unless they are needed by — and making sacrifices for — the enabler, otherwise known as ‘the taker.’ Explains Dr. Exelberg, the Founding Director of The Metamorphosis Center for Psychological and Physical Change.

How does one become Codependent?

According to GoodTherapy.org  Codependency may arise when someone is in a relationship with a person who has an addiction. The partner may abuse substances, or they may have an addiction to gambling or shopping. The person with codependency may take on a “caretaker” role for their partner.

In my case, it was my adults.  They were not bad people, but they were young people.  Not fully formed yet.

They struggled with the choices they made and ended up with their own addictions.  

I played the role of a parent to the adults in my life many times.  

Picking up the pieces when one of them drank too much.  

Balancing the checkbook when I was barely 10 years old. 

Left to watch young siblings, often.

Asked for beer money, bail money, drug money, and visited more AA meetings, rehabs, and halfway houses than I ever care to see again. 

And that’s just what I remember.   I wiped a lot of things from my mind, as a survival tactic, I guess.

I learned that the way to stay safe was to make sure everything around me went well. And if anything didn’t go well, I learned to fix it,  fast.  

I tried to control as much of my life as I could. 

As I grew older  I became codependent.  

I moved out, I married a sex addict (more on that as soon as I get the courage to write about it), got a divorce, and moved to The Big Apple.  

That’s where I met my husband John and started a new, healthier, happier life.

I still get the overwhelming urge to do too much for other people. 

To fix what isn’t mine to touch. 

To help when I’m not asked, and it isn’t appreciated.

Even when it strains my marriage and my relationships.

I’m working on that.

Pouring myself into this idea of helping others heal has helped me channel some of that energy in a positive direction.   It has allowed me to feel filled up instead of depleted and used. 

Helping others heal is what I am passionate about! I am obsessed with this product and its mission. 

Working to perfect something so that another person can feel the benefits.  So that someone who has an external injury can physically heal.  And if that injury has affected their confidence, mood, or state of mind, they can mentally heal.

That is what has been helping me to heal.  Helping me to mold my past into something meaningful and beautiful.

I hope to create a community where people can come together and support each other on journeys of hurting and healing.

Every scar – both physical and mental – has a story.  What’s yours?