Sex addiction and marriage…

And yes, sex addiction is a real thing. I should know, I was married to one for 8 years.

As explained to me in counseling, the difference between cheating and sex addiction is the inability to control the behavior.

No matter what the consequences are.

The sex addict may lose jobs, relationships, and friends in the process. But they can not control the urges and keep repeating the behavior.

I was married at 23 to a man I chose because he seemed so familiar to me from the very beginning.

I thought it was love, crazy love.

Later I learned that my upbringing would always have me feel “at home” among chaos and conflict.

As a child of addiction and alcoholism so I viewed the world from a different lens. Read more about that here.

At the time, I thought this strong, charming, handsome man could save me from whatever I needed saving from.

We married a year later.

We started what became a very successful technology retail company. Selling beepers (yeah, I’m that old) and cell phones.

We had many locations that kept us very busy, always going in different directions.

There was so much to do day to day that we decided to split up the responsibilities.

Divide and conquer right?

Well, while I was busy conquering, it seemed my husband had developed a penchant for women.

All sorts of women. Married, single, old, and young, some that worked for us, others that worked in the malls our stores were in.

My husband felt he was better on the sales side of things instead of in the office, which is where I spent most of my time.

He would travel to the locations and make sure everything was running well. Except he was like a spotted unicorn and rarely seen at work.

The employees were too intimidated to rat him out, so it flew under my radar.

He was a prominent figure in our small town, described as notorious by many.

He was tall and muscular. Intimidating to look at and very willing to become physical in any given situation.

How could you not know?

I was asked that question a few times and after this experience, I would never ask it of anyone.

It places the blame on the wrong party.

Subconsciously, we do get the information from our bodies, but if we aren’t ready or able to cope, we don’t tap into it.

We deny or ignore what we feel until we can cope.

That’s not a weakness in my eyes, it’s survival.

I was paying so much attention to this growing business and I wasn’t in the habit of babysitting adults.

The Report

One day at the office, I came in to find an envelope on my desk left by a private investigator.

It was a report naming over 20 women who claimed to have been sleeping with my husband. Most of them during the same 30-day span of time!!

My first reaction was a feeling of “I knew it”!

I was shocked, but I wasn’t surprised if that makes any sense.

This report was so specific that there was no denying any part of it.

There were letters written from some of the women detailing what the inside of my house looked like. They knew the cat’s name and other specific information about the furniture and decor.

He was taking women out on OUR boat during the workday and having sex with them while I was BUSTING MY ASS!!

He was bringing women to OUR home during the day.

There was even an account of him having sex with a married girl (that I knew) in the stairwell of the mall.

I had never heard of sex addiction at this point. I thought it was an excuse. Not that anything could excuse away the pain this caused.

I was humiliated

As I read the list of names in the report, my heart sunk, my stomach knotted up and my eyes welled with tears. But I was still in the office with other people so I tried to hold it together.

I knew so many of these women. Some of them were from our gym, some of them from the mall, some of them, as I said, worked for us!

We started counseling and that’s the first time I heard the phrase “sex addict”.

Even as I write this story over 20 years later, I can feel my chest tightening up and my shoulders tensing.

I felt shocked and ashamed. The physical pain was palpable.

I knew I was at the beginning of what would be one of the hardest times of my life, and I was right.

But then, everything changed.

This experience set off a myriad of emotions and issues I had not experienced before.

Anxiety, depression, introversion, and a fear of people – since I never knew if I could trust anyone again.

So many people had lied to me and then covered up for him because of fear.

This experience made ME feel like a failure.

If I was prettier, smarter, or in better shape maybe this wouldn’t have happened.

I didn’t want to tell my family because I felt like a huge failure.

I was the first child in my family to go to college, marry, and open a business.

As the oldest sibling, my 4 younger brothers and cousin all looked up to me.

They asked me for advice, often.

They leaned on me and relied on me.

And now I had the humiliating task of telling them what happened.

How I had failed at marriage, at relationships, at life.

The Gift

Well, that’s how it felt at the time, but now I view that experience as a GIFT!

I have thanked my ex-husband for giving me that gift.

The gift of healing.

It forced me into a place of introspection and therapy at the early age of 30.

Got me on the path to self-healing, self-appreciation, and ultimately- self-love.

I read self-help books, sought out counseling, leaned into fitness and meditation.

And I started out on my own CBD healing journey.

It was not easy, but I’m here to tell you that it is very doable with some courage and support.

When I was feeling stronger and healthier, I rented an apartment in NYC.

It was one of the best decisions of my life.

I met my current husband John, the love of my life and we moved to Connecticut and started our family.

Because I embarked on and committed to this healing journey, I was able to tell a different story.

The story I yearned to tell, of having a beautiful, fulfilling, and healthy life.

I am a product of overcoming adversity, healing from it, and moving on.

And it has become my passion to help others do the same.